Statistics revealed today show that students at Southampton Solent University achieved higher average results than students at Southampton University.
The average result at Southampton was 62.4%, a low 2:1, whereas Solent was 71.3%, a first, with the highest results in the ‘Retarded Disabilities with Licking Windows BSc’ course.
Southampton University Vice-Chanceller Dom Nutbeam was quoted in a press release this morning: “Seriously? They must be having a joke. They call themselves intelligent! My arse.”
Solent University has consistently been ranked amongst the lowest achieving universities in the country by many studies.
In contrast, Southampton University is a prestigious Russell Group institution.
Graduating Solent Students, representative of the average 70% result
One student at Southampton, speaking to Slightly Soton, studying 2nd year Geography, said “yeah, I should probably stop with my colouring in, get on with some real work”.
Another student, a 1st year philosopher, said “maybe it’s because Solent students aren’t allowed into Sobar and Jesters. I go every day and it’s not helping my intelligence”.
No Solent students were available to comment as they were all either high, illiterate, drunk, brain damaged or just too stupid to even know what a ‘result’ is.
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